Disconnected Connections

In the early days of the web, the Internet was hailed as a way to bring the world closer together.

So today - right now - where are you?

Most likely sitting at home or work - definitely in front of some sort of computer monitor type screen thingy or you couldn't be reading this now.

And chances are that's how you spend a lot of your time. It's become almost a normal part of our lives. Kind of ironic that what was supposed to bring us closer together has actually left us all sitting in front of our computers detached and rapidly losing the few social skills and graces that we still have left. You probably have family members or friends or pets or whatever within 10 or 20 feet of you at this very moment that would love a little attention but whom you are neglecting and ignoring in some way while you "get closer to the world."

What a crock of shit!

Instead of actually getting closer to one another we are becoming more and more isolated from one another in the real world while we create cyber personas that may or may not (usually not) reflect the human user behind the screen name. On the Internet you can be whoever you want and NOT ONLY THAT you can be a DIFFERENT PERSON EVERY DAY...a new screen name, picture and profile and there you are! Welcome to the age of cyber-schizophrenia and a dozen other new (as yet to be named) psychological disorders brought on by the increasingly blurred lines between reality and cyberspace.

YEEHAA!

It's not "Where Do You Want To Go Today?" anymore - the phrase (and mentality) "Who and/or What Do You Want To Pretend To Be Today?" is what's really happening. NOBODY "goes" anywhere on a computer - they're sitting at a computer which sort of negates actually "going" anywhere. You may take your computer (laptop) places but it ain't taking you nowhere. But that slogan really did make you THINK you were going somewhere didn't it?

The reality is you are probably sitting there in your 2 day old underwear with the TV on in the background while eating a pint (gallon ton whatever your pleasure) of your favorite ice cream while you download porn. DON'T LIE - you aren't "doing research" or "checking mail" or "catching up on the news" or any of that crap - THAT'S JUST THE WINDOW YOU HAVE OPEN ON TOP OF THE PORN AND HOOKUP SITES that you are really online for so that your wife or husband or partneror pet or whatever doesn't know what you are really up to.

But guess what?

They don't really care what you are doing on the computer because they are doing the same thing. They are as bored with you as you are with them. There is even a good probability that you are trying to pick up each other's online fantasy persona. Either that or you are chatting with some 60 year old 300 pound dwarf from Arkansas whose online persona is a hot barely 18 year old nympho from Miami Beach. (Remember this guy he's gonna come up again in a minute)

YOU STUPID SCHMUCK!

Reality bites don't it? Thank goodness it won't be around much longer to distract us.

We have no one but ourselves to blame though... what did we expect to happen when we all got glued to our computers and started communicating less and less with the real life person right next to us? Eventually we won't be able to communicate with each other at all without the use of a keyboard and computer to facilitate in the process. At some point in the very near future we will revert to communicating with grunts and gesturing just as our beloved hair covered, nuckledragging forefathers once did - unless of course you don't believe in evolution and think we were created AS IS by a HIGHER INTELLIGENCE (i.e. GOD, ALLAH, ZEUS, SATAN, THE ALL KNOWING ALL POWERFUL KUMQUAT (or whatever other fucked up make believe creator you have chosend to believe in to give you some sense of comfort and hope). You don't have to worry about this because when the time comes you will be instantly transported to a suitable version of heaven or hell that corresponds to your chosen deity's gospel... you lucky faithful bastards. Unfortunately the rest of us will be left here grunting and gesturing at each other and probably flinging our feces to punctuate it all. Fortunately we will have the computers to decipher everything for us.

It's just as well anyway... all that clarity in communicating and being specific really was eating up a lot of our time and distracting us from the more important things in life - like downloading porn.

As we continue our de-evolution into worms and lemmings and other such creatures the assistance of computers and robots is going to become more and more vital. I mean think about it...eventually we'll get to the point where we will turn into gelatinous blobs and will no longer have fingers so we're really going to need something to push the button for us on the TV remote control when suck ass shows come on. And let's face it - our asses ain't gonna wipe themselves. Good thing we got started on this stuff before we started de-evolving too badly - but still - it was kind of a close call don't you think? Don't you feel a little more wormlike every day? Or maybe you are beginning to notice certain lemming like qualities emerging in you - like believing everything you see on the news or the unexplainable and irresistible urge to run to your local Walmart to buy every product you see advertised during your favorite TV shows. It won't be long now before the transformation is in full swing.

But I digress...this was supposed to be (more or less) some observances of the way the Internet has changed who we are and how we think (and not much for the good unfortunately) but somehow I have arrived at discussing the de-evolution of mankind. Hmmmm...let's see if I can find a way to link these gigantic pile of putrid BS I'm serving up...

Ok here goes...

There was a time (try to remember...) when you would have NEVER given personal information like your full name or address or phone number to a total stranger. Today people routinely give out that information to people on the Internet who (as I mentioned earlier) may or may not even remotely resemble who or what they say they are online.

OH NOOO common sense takes a hit!

Generally speaking, when such information is given out there is a pretty good chance it is for a "connection" (I'll get to that term in a minute). Ok so now you have given a total stranger (who - I should remind you - may be a fat dwarf senior citizen from Arkansas...if you are lucky) your address and phone number so that YOU CAN DO THE NASTY WITH THEM (yea you can say you are just going to have a drink or hang out but quit with the BS - everyone knows the real deal)...

OUCH!!! COMMON SENSE IS DOWN AND BLEEDING PRETTY BADLY!

But waaaaait there's more! You really can't have good sex with a total stranger (especially a fat dwarf senior citizen) without a generous amount of some sort of intoxicant(s). So now let's see - you now have a total stranger knowing where you live and on his/her/it's way to have sex with you and get seriously fucked up while doing so... the only thing to do now is go outside before the dwarf arrives and dig a grave.

Not for him.

Not for you.

I AM SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT THE INTERNET HAS BEATEN COMMON SENSE SENSELESS AND COMMON SENSE HAS DIED AS A RESULT OF IT'S INJURIES...it's your unfortunate duty to bury it.

Special tip 1: Try to save some of the intoxicants from the night before to numb yourself when you see by the light of day the mess you invited into your home.

Special tip 2: Keep some sort of weapon at hand just in case you have invited a psychopath into your home. Just to be on the safe side kill them before they wake up and try to kill you. But don't worry this NEVER EVER happens with internet hookups (or any other time you invite a stranger into your home....no really... it doesnt...SCHMUCK!) Wake up dumbass.

Special tip 3 (for the visitor/psychopath/dwarf hereafter to be referred to as POTENTIAL VICTIM): Check the freezer for heads. Check the bathroom for bodies. Check under the floor boards for prisoners to be killed at a later date. Dig up the front and back yards to check for skeletal remains. Actually, on second thought, run for your life while you still can... people who invite total strangers they meet on the internet into their home are every bit as insane and psychopathic as people who go to the homes of total strangers they met online. Oh and you should know YOUR HOST/HOSTESS HAS A WEAPON AND THEY ARE GOING TO KILL YOU! (see Special tip 2 above for more information).

Oh...and as to the term "connection" as it refers to Internet hookups...most of you/us aren't really "connecting"- we're just hooking up and banging each other silly. In a sea full of people who want "no strings" there is no real connecting.

There's that damned pesky REALITY rearing it's ugly head again but REALITY'S days are numbered so let it have this one little victory before it dies.

Ok so common sense has bit the dust - the de-evolution is starting off very well. Let's see what we can do about social skills and manners and see how long they last. The relative anonymity of the Internet has turned a lot of people into rude, shallow, inconsiderate assholes. You know it's true don't even try to argue. In the "real world" (it's fading quickly into memory as we speak - damn the de-evolution is happening a lot faster than expected) if someone - and I mean ANYONE - were to pay you a compliment like "you are very attractive" or "you are very interesting" or even "you aren't a totally worthless piece of shit" you would have the common courtesy of saying something like "Thank You" or "I'm Flattered" or even "Fuck you jerk" in response thus at least verifying their existence even if you have no interest in the person. On the Internet this is not the case...if the person complimenting you does not meet your highly discerning tastes and requirements (height/sex/weight/endowments/age/IQ/income/religion... damn you are a picky bunch!) you simply don't respond - AS IF THAT PERSON DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

Ohhh the tag team of Social Skills and Manners is on the ropes already!

In the "real world" (fading ever faster now) conversations are started with things like saying hello or introducing yourself and then exchanging in some sort of small talk before proceeding to more personally revealing conversation. The Internet seems to be some sort of bizzarro world where everything is backwards where typical opening lines are things like "AGE/SEX/LOCATION" (ok that's not soooooo bad I guess) or "HOW BIG ARE/IS YOUR BOOBS/DICK" or "WHAT ARE YOU INTO?" or the every popular "CAN I COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU WHILE WE GET DRUNK AND HIGH?" If you are lucky you may actually learn the other person's name before you know when and where they lost their virginity and what the kinkiest thing they have ever done was (oddly enough the answer to all 3 questions involve that fat dwarf from Arkansas - the bastard sure does get laid a lot don't he?) .

IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR THE SSM TAG TEAM... TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO THE HUMAN RACE... don't you just hate that????

ME

Howdy

OK so this is me...now you know to whom you should express your general displeasure regarding my opinions, beliefs, lifestyle and my continuing existence on this planet should you see me in public - which is a place I do my best to avoid since there is such an abundance of PEOPLE out there...it makes me shudder just thinking about it... they're like cockroaches... ONLY BIGGER! (and they don't scatter under the fridge and hide either).

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr... creeeeeeeeeepy!

Are You Still Here?

Why are you still here? Didn't you read the description up there? What are you a glutton for punishment? Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Some kids you should be watching? Some belly button lint that needs picking? Ear wax? Excessive flatulence that you really should be discussing with your doctor before you lose the few remaining friends you have resulting in you having nothing better to do than sit here reading (and re-reading and commenting on) this garbage and ultimately becoming so delusional that you think we are "friends" and you start stalking me and I have to get a restraining order against you? Eventually you will leave me with no choice but to get radical plastic surgery, change my name and move to New Zealand to get away from you. Is that really how you want things to be? Trust me...the best thing you can do is turn off your computer, sit quietly in a comfortable chair in a dark room (maybe with some nice relaxing music - NO HEAVY METAL/INDUSTRIAL/TECHNO/ETC! It's not good for this stuation). Now breathe deep a few times and when you are ready go and test the waters of that strange and foriegn thing known as REALITY! go on outside and look around (Hide behind large objects like a tree or a car or Rush Limbaugh if you are feeling afraid of this brave new world which you have just entered) . I know it seems scarey out there but you'll be ok. It could be worse...you could still be here reading this after all.

You're still here. aren't you?

Oh jeez...you are hopeless...now I guess I have to try to think of clever things to keep you happy and entertained and off the street where you would undoubtedly be committing a series of ever escalating petty crimes which would culminate with a bizarre crime involving a penguin, 2 midgets (one of whom is albino), a banana, some Silly Putty, a hang glider and a decidely bad-humored metermaid who would end up being considerably more psychologically scarred by the incident than she should be due to a horribly similar experience that she had been repressing since childhood. Well...there's nothing I can do to help her with that but AS FOR YOU - since you are still sitting here reading this you are obviously a danger to both yourself and society so you are hereby ORDERED AND COMMANDED to never leave this computer screen and must avoid all other human contact from this point forward (except, of course, to open the door for the pizza or chinese delivery guy. And remember to tip them well - you are about to become very dependent on them for nourishment since your every waking moment will now be dedicated to ingesting and processing the smorgasbord of profound revelations that I feed you but unfortunately that won't nourish your physical needs so GET UP AND ANSWER THE DOORBELL DUMBASS - THE GUY HAS RUNG IT LIKE 3 TIMES NOW! Just don't tell him about this BLOG and if he asks just tell him you are downloading the senior citizen porn classic OLD AND BOLD...he won't ask any more questions, I promise you).

Now then...you will read and understand (first learn to read and buy a dictionary if needed ) each and every word that I write here. Furthermore you will not question nor argue with anything I say or believe and instead will agree and accept that I know better than you and thus you WILL follow, obey and serve me blindly and without hesitation until such time as you reach some sort of higher enlightment (for which I will naturally and rightfully take full credit for) or become so mentally unstable that people like Angelina Jolie, Dennis Rodman, and Whitney Houston won't even talk to you and you end up in a mental hospital (for which I will naturally deny any responsibility for or involvement with since you are obviously quite insane if you are still reading my BLOG).

Whatever the outcome, you will be much happier in the end...I promise...

Let it be so...