Alabama Fried Chicken?

Generic Southern Fried Chicken?

Ok so I am watching TV tonight late. I do that a lot... I'm kind of an insomniac but that's not the focus of this here post... the point is the stupid strange shit I notice when I am watching late night TV. Maybe I am able to focus more on the stupid stuff I see late at night because there are less things to distract from it... I dunno.

Anyway... so I am watching late night TV and on comes a commercial for Kentucky Fried Chicken. Looks tasty! Makes me want some. Only wait... there aren't any KFC's open at this time of night anywhere near here... why are they torturing me like that with a commercial for something I CAN'T GET? But that wasn't the real stupidity of the commercial. Oh noooooo... that was just the warm up stupidity. I notice in the background of the commercial a very familiar song and I think to myself... "hmmmm... self.... what IS that song? I remember it being really big when I was a teenager... what was that song? hmmm.... OH WAIT!! I REMEMBER...IT'S SWEET HOME ALABAMA!"

That's right...A-L-A-B-A-M-A. ALABAMA...

But wait... this is a commercial for KENTUCKY Fried Chicken. The song they are using is Sweet Home ALABAMA.

I am soooooooooo confused now. I'm not eating their food anymore because I find their whole operation highly suspicious now specifically because of that commercial. Something is VERY fishy at KFC (or AFC or whatever/wherever the hell they are). Oh wait... it can't be fishy they're a chicken joint.

Now I am even more confused... is it Kentucky or Alabama? Is it chicken or fish (or some strange genetically enhanced chicken mutant creature?)

Maybe it's Soylent Green. All I know is I'm not hungry anymore.

Merry Christmas

Depression

In her most recent HBO Comedy Special Blond and Bitchin', Rosanne Barr made a comment that, while very funny, made a lot of sense. She was talking about anti-depressants and how she hates them all. And then she posed the question - "Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe we are SUPPOSED to be depressed?? That maybe the world is soooooo fucked up that you should be depressed?" And you know if you think about it she's right on the mark. I believe the world is SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP and our resulting depression and anxiety is a NATURAL RESPONSE to these conditions that would normally cause us as a collective to WAKE THE FUCK UP and fix things before it's too late. Only problem is we have numbed ourselves to our natural response to the fucked up world around us by taking drugs that make EVERYTHING OK despite the fact that everything ISN'T OK. After all it is easier to take a pill than it is to take action in this world.

Geez now I'm depressed... I need a Xanax and a beer...

Hypocrisy

Recently South Park aired an episode that caused a lot of controversy. The episode centered around a big and extremely exclusive birthday costume party being thrown by Satan. The majority of the episode focused on Satan planning his party to be the biggest coolest bash EVER as he behaved like a whiny 16 year old girl about his outfit and the Ferrari cake he HAS to have and so forth. The controversy had nothing to do with any of that however... what got people insane was a bit that lasted less than a minute. As the party is going in full swing and Satan is greeting his guests none other than Steve Irwin - complete with a stingray barb through his chest - shows up. Satan looks at him and after a moment says "Dude...it's too soon... that's not funny... you're going to have to leave" (or something to that effect) to which Irwin replies "But I REALLY AM Steve Irwin!". After a moment Satan tells him he still has to leave because he HAS NO COSTUME (which I found really funny). It was that brief. But that's all it took to make people around the country go completely bonkers. Keep in mind Steve Irwin had just died a week or two before this episode was aired. People were calling for an apology from the creators of South Park (yea right... good luck with that!). People were calling for an apology from Comedy Central (South Park is their cash cow so don't expect any apology from them either). People were even calling for Comedy Central to CANCEL South Park altogether (NOT GONNA HAPPEN). And of course all of them were screaming "It's TOOOO SOOOON!"

Too soon eh? Hmmmmm... in that very same amount of time Bindi Irwin (the 8 year old daughter of Steve) had done numerous public appearances and work on a mini-series for Discovery Channel and has just released a kid's exercise video and is planning appearances for early January here in the US as well as several festivals in Australia. So apparently it's too soon to laugh about an admittedly strange (and kind of amusing) death but it isn't too soon for momma Irwin to exploit the living hell out of an 8 year old who should be playing on a swing set and not playing with snakes for paying crowds of hypocritical schmucks.

All I can say is "CRIKEY!"

Fire

This past weekend there was a very sad story in the news about a family living in a mobile home in West Virginia who were all killed in a fire caused by the kerosene heater they used to help keep warm. A forty year old man, his 36 year old wife and three small children all fell victim to the smoke and fire. Very tragic to be sure. Their home was burned pretty much to the ground with nothing left but ashes and bits of their burnt possessions. Naturally their neighbors and loved one were and are overcome with grief and sadness and needed a way to express those feelings. I'm embarrassed to admit that the way some of them expressed their emotion left me laughing hysterically for the rest of the news report. I know I'm not right in the head but hear me out - what some of these grief stricken folks did was to LEAVE LIT CANDLES at the burned out home of these poor people. Now I don't know about you but I don't really think bringing FIRE to a site where a family has just died in a FIRE is really such a good idea. My friends have argued that they were just trying to be thoughtful but i disagree with that BS. What they were doing was pure reaction without thought. They were doing what is common and traditional, despite the underlying inappropriateness of it. If they had been thinking they should have realized that the site of little burning flames on the site where people's friend's and family members just died from a fire might not be the most comforting image. Balloons maybe... teddy bears... flowers are always a nice touch. Really the most appropriate thing to leave would probably had been wreaths. But candles? FIRE?? uhm... I just can't help but find that incredibly funny. I mean, given what had already happened there maybe leaving a fire extinguisher there would be a good idea - especially with people leaving unattended candles there.

I know I'm not right in the head but that's just the way I think...

The Dumbing of the Nation

Here's some food for thought:

30 years ago this country elected a President who had been a NUCLEAR ENGINEER in the military. His name was Jimmy Carter.

30 years later we have a President who was appointed by the US Supreme Court (but not actually elected for the job in any way) who CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE THE WORD NUCLEAR!

If this thought doesn't make you EXTREMELY uneasy then there is a pretty good chance that you have fallen victim to the DUMBING OF THIS NATION. Heck - you might even be partially responsible for this disturbing trend towards idiocy and mediocrity. It's ok - the good ole US Government has been conditioning us for this for many a year so it's not really our faults. We shop at Walmart (mostly because we can't afford to shop anywhere else anymore), we eat "Fast Food" by the tons (and are well on our way to weighing tons in the process), we mindlessly (and in some cases joyfully) rape and destroy the very environment that allows us to exist, and so on and so on...

In the words of the immortal Frank Zappa - "People, we is dumb ALL OVER! (and maybe even a little ugly on the side)"

And as Timothy Leary was so famous for saying - "QUESTION AUTHORITY!! THINK FOR YOURSELVES!"

In the end you (and your obnoxious offspring) will be glad you did...

REALITY

Click on the link in the title (or just click on it here - http://www.hereinreality.com/).

Read it.

Re-read it.

Get a dictionary if needed to help you understand some of the words that have more than 7 or 8 letters in them (I know I know - BIG WORDS ARE JUST SOOO HARD TO SAY AND EVEN HARDER TO UNDERSTAND!)

Then click on this link here ---->http://www.hereinreality.com/911/ - download the brochure (you're gonna need Acrobat Reader for it - it's a free download and you should already have it on your computer anyway you schmuck).

Read the brochure.

Re-read the brochure.

Distribute a million copies of the brochure.

And when election time rolls around how about maybe actually researching the issues our nation is facing and making informed decisions when you (theoretically) go to vote (which most of you can't be bothered to do anyway).

Ehhh.. never mind don't bother doing any research - just use your common sense and

DON'T VOTE REPUBLICAN

(and do the country a favor and don't vote for the 3rd party douchebag who doesnt have a snowballs chance in hell of winning because you somehow have gotten it into your head that doing so makes some sort of statement that matters... you schmucks are just making things easier for the Neo Nazi pricks who are quietly shredding the US Constitution while they laugh at your stupid futile gesture against THE SYSTEM. Yea I agree this country needs more than 2 parties but right now let's just concentrate on getting our country back from the ultra right wing scumbags and corporate barons that we handed the keys over to when we let the Supreme Court pick the President instead of letting the people decide)

Anthropophobia

I think I am developing a very serious case of Anthropophobia. Anthropophobia is the fear of people and/or society. I don't have many phobias and I really think everyone should have at least one crippling fear so I did some research and discovered that Anthropophobia was the PHOBIA FOR ME! And if you had any sense at all it would be your number one phobia too.

Here's why...

EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS (OR IS WELL ON THEIR WAY TO BECOMING) COMPLETELY FUCKING NUTS!

Want proof?

A judge recently in Florida ordered two opposing lawyers in a case who were unable to agree on ANYTHING (even the smallest little details like where witness depositions would take place) to resolve their disagreements by playing PAPER, SCISSORS, STONE. Of course it is Florida we are talking about here... they don't even know how to vote down there so that's not so crazy I suppose.

But wait there's more!

Arizona - 2 parents have been recently charged with rewarding their children for good behaviour by giving them MARIJUANA. Actually... when I think about it I wish I had parents like that - I would have done a LOT better in school. At least they were taking some sort of interest in their children's lives and trying to encourage them to do their best. That's better than the majority of parents do these days.

New York - Some dipshit would-be criminal tried to rob an auto parts store Rochester. The employees responded to his robbery attempt by beating the living shit out of him with a metal pipe. He survived. He's sueing them. Well I guess he was just trying to do his job (hey everyone needs to fill SOME position in this society after all)... how would YOU feel if you got the shit beat out of you for doing your job?

Utah - A lady was arrested for lewdness for exposing herself in a store. Seems she was riding around in the store in a motorized cart with her pants around her ankles and no underwear on. I wonder if the store was cited for any health code violations? The woman said she was in town with a travelling circus but had been left behind when they left town. Ahhh those crazy circus folk... what would we do without them?

Those are just a few examples I grabbed out of the news online today but you don't have to look very far or hard to see what I mean... just take the time and really observe the people around you... hell you might be shopping right next to stranded circus folk and not even know it. People around you might be making all of their decisions based on the outcome of a children's game! Who know's? It might be how the parent's of those kids in Arizona came to the decision to give their kids pot as a reward... who the fuck knows? You may be sued for defending yourself against a criminal attack... and the resulting lawsuit may be decided by a lively round of PAPER, SCISSORS, STONE!

See what I mean?

The whole world is going FUCKING INSANE!

I suggest staying inside and waiting it out.

And if Anthropophobia isn't for you check out http://phobialist.com/ and get the phobia best suited to your needs.

You'll be glad you did... I know I am!

End of The World Theory

I have a theory.

You probably won't like it much.

To tell the truth I don't like it much either.

In fact just presenting my theory may cause the end of the world as we know it.

But what the hell... if my theory is correct than it doesn't really matter anyway.

My theory is this:

THE WORLD HAS ALREADY COME TO AN END!

We just haven't noticed yet.

We're like the drunk guy at the party that ended hours ago but is still there slumped in a corner drooling all over himself.

Ugly thought isn't it?

I don't know exactly how to prove my theory but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Just think about all the weirdness in the world these days. It can't be coincidental - things are just too strange for this to be the real world.

You know in your hearts I am right don't you?

But it's ok - apparently if you just ignore the End of The World it won't matter.

But for the sake of humanity DON'T PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND - you might just disappear.

25 Years

Wow... 25 years.

25 years ago today the federal government issued a warning that 5 gay men in L.A. had died from a rare form of pneumonia.

25 years ago today the yet to be identified HIV virus first made the news.

Of course at that time no one knew the pneumonia cases were linked to a virus that would change the face of the world... only that something strange was happening to gay men all across the country.

I was 17 years old at the time. It's entirely possible that I had already contracted the virus... I tested positive a few years later, just after I had turned 21 or so. You would think that a person would remember the exact date that they received such life changing news as that but not me. I remember the day but not the date. The date wasn't (and isn't) important to me... it's not like I was going to celebrate the anniversary of what (at the time anyway) was my receipt of a death sentence. At that time massive doses of AZT was pretty much the only treatment offered and that was killing more people than the disease itself was so either way the general thinking was that anyone who got HIV would be dead within 3 - 5 years on average. So it wasn't like I was expecting to be around long enough to remember the date I tested postive anyway. When I tested positive my immune system was pretty messed up and the doctor who gave me my results at the free clinic told me it was likely I had been carrying the virus for some time judging from the condition of my immune system. I wasn't really all that surprised... I had been a pretty horny (and sexually active) teenager and had been having anonymous sexual encounters with men in public restrooms since I was 13 or 14 (hey - at least I am honest about it).

So it's entirely possible that on the day the government first reported the strange pnuemonia cases in LA the very same virus that had killed those men had already made it's way across the country and into my body and was courseing through my veins at the very moment that announcement was being made.

That's a pretty weird thought to me now.

So it's pretty clear now that by the time anyone realized something was wrong it was already too late. But at first no one really thought it was anything to worry about. There were whispers of a "gay cancer" but not many people took that seriously - I mean come on - a cancer that only targets gay people?? PLEASE! Just another government trick to keep us from doing our thing... we ain't gonna fall for that shit! Hell we had just come into our own - the gay rights movement was in full swing and we were finally free to be ourselves in the world... we were like the teenagers of life - full of energy and hope and momentum and strength and we thought we were invincible. So naturally we thought "There ain't no "gay cancer - they're just trying to scare us back into the closet" - and we were right. Partly anyway.

Of course there was and is no gay cancer and in fact no "gay disease" of any kind - no known virus gives a shit about who you are doing the nasty with all they care about is a nice warm host to live in and reproduce in. Viruses don't make judgments you see. At least we were right about that. But that is a small comfort - the prevailing belief in the gay community that this "gay disease" was a bunch of BS soon became a deadly mistake. There was no real talk about "safe sex" at that time - no one that I knew in the gay community wore condoms - after all we couldn't get pregnant and if you got the usual STD's you could just go to the clinic and get a shot and BAM you were good as new and back out on the scene screwing anything that would let you. Of course, we didn't know that we were literally fucking each other to death until it was too late. We only woke up to the reality of the situation when people around us started getting sick and dying in numbers. And of course, by then it really was too late to stop the epidemic... it was already in full swing. Despite some people's belief that it could have been stopped and its impact lessened had the GOVT and other IMPORTANT PEOPLE WE CAN BLAME listened to groups like ACT UP and other activist groups - the truth is that the schmucks were every bit as clueless about the situation as the rest of us. My belief is the virus had already gained such a strong foothold in this country that by the time these organizations started making warnings IT WAS ALREADY WAAAAAAAAAAAAY TOOOO LATE! By that point that horse had done gotten out of the barn and screwed everthing that moved and they screwed 2 friends and so on and so on...

So... 25 years later and now an estimated 65 million people worldwide are infected with HIV and over 25 million people have died from it.

All in 25 years...

Kind of sobering isn't it?

BAD NEWS

BUMMER

ASSHOLES ANONYMOUS

ARE YOU AN ASSHOLE?TAKE THIS TEST TO FIND OUT

You are not alone...there is help.

Advice on Love

Love - avoid it at all costs.
It will mess you up.
It will hurt you.
It will leave you broken and confused and lost.
You're better off getting a kitten or puppy or turtle or something like that to channel your affection into.
Get a hobby.
Just don't fall in love.
It never turns out well. Even if (against the STAGGERING odds) you manage to stay together and keep loving each other without doing something unforgiveably stupid EVENTUALLY you will run out of things to talk about and will become so bored with each other that you will wish one of you would die... which eventually you will do.
Keep to yourself.
Don't make any direct eye contact with anyone.

It's out there and it's looking FOR YOU!

It's LOOOOOOOOOOVE - run for your lives!!!

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the good people at Emotional Baggage Inc. - "Stuff your pain deep down in our bags"

DANGER

HEALTH ALERT!!

I am sorry to inform you that you may have contracted a newly discovered disease known as INTENETERRETS (aka known as Cyberticulitis or the more common street name Virtual Asshole Syndrome)

Do you now or have you ever felt the urge to do and/or say things online that you would otherwise never do and/or say in your every day life?

Do you post inappropriate pictures of yourself and/or of people you know on the web?

Have you ever created fake profiles with rude and/or slanderous and/or tasteless comments on Internet dating and/or hookup websites?

Do you spend countless hours in AOL chat rooms randomly attacking people creating so much disdain for you that you have been reported so many time that AOL has repeatedly kicked you off their service only to have you return with a similar screenname over and over again?

Do you currently or have you ever maintained a BLOG filled with inane rants that no one ever reads but that will eventually serve as SOLID LEGAL EVIDENCE of your insanity?

If you answered yes to any of these questions I am sorry to inform you that you are indeed infected. Unfortunately, as of this writing, there is no known cure for this terrible disease - but rest assured the world's top scientists and chemical engineers are hard at work at this very moment researching new drugs to control your symptoms... but not to find a cure of course (after all, finding a cure really wouldn't do much for their long term bottom line now would it?). Until then self-medication with whatever is handy is the only treatment available.

Best of luck to you in your battle.

Disconnected Connections

In the early days of the web, the Internet was hailed as a way to bring the world closer together.

So today - right now - where are you?

Most likely sitting at home or work - definitely in front of some sort of computer monitor type screen thingy or you couldn't be reading this now.

And chances are that's how you spend a lot of your time. It's become almost a normal part of our lives. Kind of ironic that what was supposed to bring us closer together has actually left us all sitting in front of our computers detached and rapidly losing the few social skills and graces that we still have left. You probably have family members or friends or pets or whatever within 10 or 20 feet of you at this very moment that would love a little attention but whom you are neglecting and ignoring in some way while you "get closer to the world."

What a crock of shit!

Instead of actually getting closer to one another we are becoming more and more isolated from one another in the real world while we create cyber personas that may or may not (usually not) reflect the human user behind the screen name. On the Internet you can be whoever you want and NOT ONLY THAT you can be a DIFFERENT PERSON EVERY DAY...a new screen name, picture and profile and there you are! Welcome to the age of cyber-schizophrenia and a dozen other new (as yet to be named) psychological disorders brought on by the increasingly blurred lines between reality and cyberspace.

YEEHAA!

It's not "Where Do You Want To Go Today?" anymore - the phrase (and mentality) "Who and/or What Do You Want To Pretend To Be Today?" is what's really happening. NOBODY "goes" anywhere on a computer - they're sitting at a computer which sort of negates actually "going" anywhere. You may take your computer (laptop) places but it ain't taking you nowhere. But that slogan really did make you THINK you were going somewhere didn't it?

The reality is you are probably sitting there in your 2 day old underwear with the TV on in the background while eating a pint (gallon ton whatever your pleasure) of your favorite ice cream while you download porn. DON'T LIE - you aren't "doing research" or "checking mail" or "catching up on the news" or any of that crap - THAT'S JUST THE WINDOW YOU HAVE OPEN ON TOP OF THE PORN AND HOOKUP SITES that you are really online for so that your wife or husband or partneror pet or whatever doesn't know what you are really up to.

But guess what?

They don't really care what you are doing on the computer because they are doing the same thing. They are as bored with you as you are with them. There is even a good probability that you are trying to pick up each other's online fantasy persona. Either that or you are chatting with some 60 year old 300 pound dwarf from Arkansas whose online persona is a hot barely 18 year old nympho from Miami Beach. (Remember this guy he's gonna come up again in a minute)

YOU STUPID SCHMUCK!

Reality bites don't it? Thank goodness it won't be around much longer to distract us.

We have no one but ourselves to blame though... what did we expect to happen when we all got glued to our computers and started communicating less and less with the real life person right next to us? Eventually we won't be able to communicate with each other at all without the use of a keyboard and computer to facilitate in the process. At some point in the very near future we will revert to communicating with grunts and gesturing just as our beloved hair covered, nuckledragging forefathers once did - unless of course you don't believe in evolution and think we were created AS IS by a HIGHER INTELLIGENCE (i.e. GOD, ALLAH, ZEUS, SATAN, THE ALL KNOWING ALL POWERFUL KUMQUAT (or whatever other fucked up make believe creator you have chosend to believe in to give you some sense of comfort and hope). You don't have to worry about this because when the time comes you will be instantly transported to a suitable version of heaven or hell that corresponds to your chosen deity's gospel... you lucky faithful bastards. Unfortunately the rest of us will be left here grunting and gesturing at each other and probably flinging our feces to punctuate it all. Fortunately we will have the computers to decipher everything for us.

It's just as well anyway... all that clarity in communicating and being specific really was eating up a lot of our time and distracting us from the more important things in life - like downloading porn.

As we continue our de-evolution into worms and lemmings and other such creatures the assistance of computers and robots is going to become more and more vital. I mean think about it...eventually we'll get to the point where we will turn into gelatinous blobs and will no longer have fingers so we're really going to need something to push the button for us on the TV remote control when suck ass shows come on. And let's face it - our asses ain't gonna wipe themselves. Good thing we got started on this stuff before we started de-evolving too badly - but still - it was kind of a close call don't you think? Don't you feel a little more wormlike every day? Or maybe you are beginning to notice certain lemming like qualities emerging in you - like believing everything you see on the news or the unexplainable and irresistible urge to run to your local Walmart to buy every product you see advertised during your favorite TV shows. It won't be long now before the transformation is in full swing.

But I digress...this was supposed to be (more or less) some observances of the way the Internet has changed who we are and how we think (and not much for the good unfortunately) but somehow I have arrived at discussing the de-evolution of mankind. Hmmmm...let's see if I can find a way to link these gigantic pile of putrid BS I'm serving up...

Ok here goes...

There was a time (try to remember...) when you would have NEVER given personal information like your full name or address or phone number to a total stranger. Today people routinely give out that information to people on the Internet who (as I mentioned earlier) may or may not even remotely resemble who or what they say they are online.

OH NOOO common sense takes a hit!

Generally speaking, when such information is given out there is a pretty good chance it is for a "connection" (I'll get to that term in a minute). Ok so now you have given a total stranger (who - I should remind you - may be a fat dwarf senior citizen from Arkansas...if you are lucky) your address and phone number so that YOU CAN DO THE NASTY WITH THEM (yea you can say you are just going to have a drink or hang out but quit with the BS - everyone knows the real deal)...

OUCH!!! COMMON SENSE IS DOWN AND BLEEDING PRETTY BADLY!

But waaaaait there's more! You really can't have good sex with a total stranger (especially a fat dwarf senior citizen) without a generous amount of some sort of intoxicant(s). So now let's see - you now have a total stranger knowing where you live and on his/her/it's way to have sex with you and get seriously fucked up while doing so... the only thing to do now is go outside before the dwarf arrives and dig a grave.

Not for him.

Not for you.

I AM SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT THE INTERNET HAS BEATEN COMMON SENSE SENSELESS AND COMMON SENSE HAS DIED AS A RESULT OF IT'S INJURIES...it's your unfortunate duty to bury it.

Special tip 1: Try to save some of the intoxicants from the night before to numb yourself when you see by the light of day the mess you invited into your home.

Special tip 2: Keep some sort of weapon at hand just in case you have invited a psychopath into your home. Just to be on the safe side kill them before they wake up and try to kill you. But don't worry this NEVER EVER happens with internet hookups (or any other time you invite a stranger into your home....no really... it doesnt...SCHMUCK!) Wake up dumbass.

Special tip 3 (for the visitor/psychopath/dwarf hereafter to be referred to as POTENTIAL VICTIM): Check the freezer for heads. Check the bathroom for bodies. Check under the floor boards for prisoners to be killed at a later date. Dig up the front and back yards to check for skeletal remains. Actually, on second thought, run for your life while you still can... people who invite total strangers they meet on the internet into their home are every bit as insane and psychopathic as people who go to the homes of total strangers they met online. Oh and you should know YOUR HOST/HOSTESS HAS A WEAPON AND THEY ARE GOING TO KILL YOU! (see Special tip 2 above for more information).

Oh...and as to the term "connection" as it refers to Internet hookups...most of you/us aren't really "connecting"- we're just hooking up and banging each other silly. In a sea full of people who want "no strings" there is no real connecting.

There's that damned pesky REALITY rearing it's ugly head again but REALITY'S days are numbered so let it have this one little victory before it dies.

Ok so common sense has bit the dust - the de-evolution is starting off very well. Let's see what we can do about social skills and manners and see how long they last. The relative anonymity of the Internet has turned a lot of people into rude, shallow, inconsiderate assholes. You know it's true don't even try to argue. In the "real world" (it's fading quickly into memory as we speak - damn the de-evolution is happening a lot faster than expected) if someone - and I mean ANYONE - were to pay you a compliment like "you are very attractive" or "you are very interesting" or even "you aren't a totally worthless piece of shit" you would have the common courtesy of saying something like "Thank You" or "I'm Flattered" or even "Fuck you jerk" in response thus at least verifying their existence even if you have no interest in the person. On the Internet this is not the case...if the person complimenting you does not meet your highly discerning tastes and requirements (height/sex/weight/endowments/age/IQ/income/religion... damn you are a picky bunch!) you simply don't respond - AS IF THAT PERSON DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

Ohhh the tag team of Social Skills and Manners is on the ropes already!

In the "real world" (fading ever faster now) conversations are started with things like saying hello or introducing yourself and then exchanging in some sort of small talk before proceeding to more personally revealing conversation. The Internet seems to be some sort of bizzarro world where everything is backwards where typical opening lines are things like "AGE/SEX/LOCATION" (ok that's not soooooo bad I guess) or "HOW BIG ARE/IS YOUR BOOBS/DICK" or "WHAT ARE YOU INTO?" or the every popular "CAN I COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU WHILE WE GET DRUNK AND HIGH?" If you are lucky you may actually learn the other person's name before you know when and where they lost their virginity and what the kinkiest thing they have ever done was (oddly enough the answer to all 3 questions involve that fat dwarf from Arkansas - the bastard sure does get laid a lot don't he?) .

IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR THE SSM TAG TEAM... TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO THE HUMAN RACE... don't you just hate that????

ME

Howdy

OK so this is me...now you know to whom you should express your general displeasure regarding my opinions, beliefs, lifestyle and my continuing existence on this planet should you see me in public - which is a place I do my best to avoid since there is such an abundance of PEOPLE out there...it makes me shudder just thinking about it... they're like cockroaches... ONLY BIGGER! (and they don't scatter under the fridge and hide either).

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr... creeeeeeeeeepy!

Are You Still Here?

Why are you still here? Didn't you read the description up there? What are you a glutton for punishment? Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Some kids you should be watching? Some belly button lint that needs picking? Ear wax? Excessive flatulence that you really should be discussing with your doctor before you lose the few remaining friends you have resulting in you having nothing better to do than sit here reading (and re-reading and commenting on) this garbage and ultimately becoming so delusional that you think we are "friends" and you start stalking me and I have to get a restraining order against you? Eventually you will leave me with no choice but to get radical plastic surgery, change my name and move to New Zealand to get away from you. Is that really how you want things to be? Trust me...the best thing you can do is turn off your computer, sit quietly in a comfortable chair in a dark room (maybe with some nice relaxing music - NO HEAVY METAL/INDUSTRIAL/TECHNO/ETC! It's not good for this stuation). Now breathe deep a few times and when you are ready go and test the waters of that strange and foriegn thing known as REALITY! go on outside and look around (Hide behind large objects like a tree or a car or Rush Limbaugh if you are feeling afraid of this brave new world which you have just entered) . I know it seems scarey out there but you'll be ok. It could be worse...you could still be here reading this after all.

You're still here. aren't you?

Oh jeez...you are hopeless...now I guess I have to try to think of clever things to keep you happy and entertained and off the street where you would undoubtedly be committing a series of ever escalating petty crimes which would culminate with a bizarre crime involving a penguin, 2 midgets (one of whom is albino), a banana, some Silly Putty, a hang glider and a decidely bad-humored metermaid who would end up being considerably more psychologically scarred by the incident than she should be due to a horribly similar experience that she had been repressing since childhood. Well...there's nothing I can do to help her with that but AS FOR YOU - since you are still sitting here reading this you are obviously a danger to both yourself and society so you are hereby ORDERED AND COMMANDED to never leave this computer screen and must avoid all other human contact from this point forward (except, of course, to open the door for the pizza or chinese delivery guy. And remember to tip them well - you are about to become very dependent on them for nourishment since your every waking moment will now be dedicated to ingesting and processing the smorgasbord of profound revelations that I feed you but unfortunately that won't nourish your physical needs so GET UP AND ANSWER THE DOORBELL DUMBASS - THE GUY HAS RUNG IT LIKE 3 TIMES NOW! Just don't tell him about this BLOG and if he asks just tell him you are downloading the senior citizen porn classic OLD AND BOLD...he won't ask any more questions, I promise you).

Now then...you will read and understand (first learn to read and buy a dictionary if needed ) each and every word that I write here. Furthermore you will not question nor argue with anything I say or believe and instead will agree and accept that I know better than you and thus you WILL follow, obey and serve me blindly and without hesitation until such time as you reach some sort of higher enlightment (for which I will naturally and rightfully take full credit for) or become so mentally unstable that people like Angelina Jolie, Dennis Rodman, and Whitney Houston won't even talk to you and you end up in a mental hospital (for which I will naturally deny any responsibility for or involvement with since you are obviously quite insane if you are still reading my BLOG).

Whatever the outcome, you will be much happier in the end...I promise...

Let it be so...