I am surrounded by assholes everywhere. Even if you don't think you are one chances are that you probably are... just take a good look at all of the people you know - coworkers, loved ones, customers, total strangers, your parents, your children, your neighbors, your parole officer , your life mate, your paperboy, your grocer, people you in meet bars and at concerts, bums, crazy people, people attending funerals, people attending weddings, people attending a babies birth, people attending an execution and so on and so on. Face it - you are surrounded by shit-spewing tight asses who think their feces has the magnificent odor of a royal garden. Hell...even most of my friends are assholes (sorry guys but the truth hurts).
I'm an asshole too a good majority of the time.
BUT I KNOW IT AND I try to balance it out (even if just a little) by holding elevator doors for people and giving a homeless person a little money, or comfort someone who is feeling down or going though rough times. Hell, I even like baking cakes and treats for people I barely know to celebrate their birthdays or anniversaries or just to make them smile. I even buy flowers for co-workers once in a while. And rarely ever push old people down the stairs for my daily amusement (although it is always good for a laugh). But still, for the most part, I am an asshole. Like the times I am at the grocery store and some lazy bitch in front of me has an uncontrollable mutant epileptic pig tailed obnoxiously cute and pushy brat who will NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP about the candy the fat little piggie wants and how hot that little closeted gay boy on Teen People is while his/her/it's mom continues yacking away obliviously on her crappy cell phone( "Can you hear me now? How about if I YELL REAL LOUD HERE IN THE GROCERY AISLE?NOW CAN YOU HEAR ME?") about some meaningless and trivial matter that I shouldn't fucking have to listen to. I have been known on such occasions to berate (quite loudly) the parent as they try to continue their yacking on the phone - and if that fails I start in on the kid(s). Alec Baldwin has NOTHING on me when I get pissed! Sooner or later though I am bound to get arrested but I have no tolerance for bad parents or rude children so what choice do I have? All you folks spending all your time in public with that piece of plastic in your ear having what should be PRIVATE conversations need to know one thing:
Dumb All Over
-F. Zappa
Whoever we are
Wherever we're from
We shoulda noticed by now
Our behavior is dumb
And if our chances
Expect to improve
Its gonna take a lot more
Than tryin to remove
The other race
Or the other whatever
From the faceOf the planet
altogether
They call it the earth
Which is a dumb kinda name
But they named it right
cause we behave the same...
We are dumb all over
Dumb all over,
Yes we are
Dumb all over,
Near n far
Dumb all over,
Black n white
People, we is not wrapped tight
Nerds on the left
Nerds on the right
Religious fanatics
On the air every night
Sayin the bible
Tells the story
Makes the details
Sound real gory
bout what to do
If the geeks over there
Don't believe in the book
We got over here
You cant run a race
Without no feet
n pretty soon
There wont be no street
For dummies to jog on
Or doggies to dog on
Religious fanatics
Can make it be all gone
(I mean it wont blow up
n disappear
It'll just look ugly
For a thousand years...)
You cant run a country
By a book of religion
Not by a heap
Or a lump or a smidgen
Of foolish rules
Of ancient date
Designed to make
You all feel great
While you fold, spindle
And mutilate
Those unbelievers
From a neighboring state
To arms! to arms!
Hooray! that's great
Two legs ain't bad
Unless there's a crate
They ship the parts
To mama in
For souvenirs: two ears (get down!)
Not his, not hers, (but what the hey? )
The good book says:(it gotta be that way!)
But their book says:
Revenge the crusades...
With whips n chains
n hand grenades...
Two arms? two arms? Have another and another
Our God says:There ain't no other!
Our God says:Its all okay!
Our God says:This is the way!
It says in the book:
Burn n destroy...
n repent, n redeem n revenge, n deploy n rumble thee forth
To the land of the unbelieving scum on the other side
cause they don't go for whats in the book
n that makes em bad
So verily we must choppeth them up
And stompeth them down
Or rent a nice french bomb
To poof them out of existence
While leaving their real estate just where we need it
To use again
For temples in which to praise our god
(cause he can really take care of business!)
And when his humble TV servant
With humble white hair
And humble glasses
And a nice brown suit
And maybe a blond wife who takes phone calls
Tells us our God says
Its okay to do this stuff
Then we gotta do it,cause if we don't do it,
We ain't gwine up to hebbin!
(depending on which book you're using at theTime...cant use theirs... it don't work...its all lies...gotta use mine...)
Ain't that right?
That's what they say
Every night...
Every day...
Hey, we cant really be dumb
If were just following gods orders
Hey, lets get serious...
God knows what hes doin
He wrote this book here
And the book says:
He made us all to be just like him,
So...
If we're dumb...
Then God is dumb...
(and maybe even a little ugly on the side)
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