Jerry Falwell was found dead in his office at Liberty University today. It is being speculated that he may have died of a heart rhythm abnormality.
I think not.
I think the evil little butterball was murdered.
And I know who did it.
Think about it... Falwell's outing of
Tinky Winky in 1999 created a furor (not to be confused with the Fuhrer he created when his Moral Majority - which was neither - helped Ronald Reagan win the White House...) and led to the demise of the great 90's
Supergroup known as the
Teletubbies. Ultimately poor
Tinky (who was humiliated by the allegations but never publicly denied them) lost everything... his family, his friends, his money, and his pride (get it? Pride? get it????). Then came the legendary "lost years" during which
Tinky descended into a haze of drug and alcohol fueled self-destructive behaviour. For a while he was seen turning tricks behind a notoriously famous leather bar in San Francisco for money to support his all but crippling crystal
meth addiction. There is the now infamous incident where
Tinky, drunken out of his mind, heckled one of the
Smothers Brothers during their
standup act while wearing a tampon on his head. The poor guy was really messed up... I mean
Tinky was utterly and totally destroyed by what Falwell did to him.
There are a couple of theories as to why Falwell outed poor
Tinky. One theory says that Falwell was outraged by
Tinky Winky and his friends use of the name "
Teletubbies" as Falwell was not only one of the original
Televangalists but also the first true
teletubby (fat bastard that he was). The more accepted theory however, is that Rev. Falwell and
Tinky had been having a secret affair for some time, but in late 1998
Tinky met a young Barney The Dinosaur and fell instantly head over heels in love. The two tried to keep their affair a secret but after several months, Falwell simply could no longer ignore the tabloid rumors and photos of
Tinky and Barney out at all the big nightspots. In a jealous rage, he demanded
Tinky immediately cut off all contact with Barney but
Tinky refused, gathered his belongings from the Falwell mansion and moved into Barney's spacious uptown condo. The next morning Falwell was all over the news talking trash about poor
Tinky... "He's purple... that's the color of the gays" and "He carries a purse... that's really gay" and "He has an upside down triangle on his head... that clinches it" and stuff like that. Falwell warned parents what a bad influence on their children (and society at large) this strange gay creature was and within days
Tinky's endorsement deals had dried up (with the exception of a line of
bizarre Tinky Winky clubwear and circuit party accessories), his agent and
bandmates wouldn't return his calls and worst of all, Barney had kicked him out of the condo and was quickly distancing himself from
Tinky.
Tinky begged him to stay but Barney (also being a purple creature of questionable sexuality who worked with children) told
Tinky he couldn't risk losing his dream of being a BIG STAR! And so, with that one terrible
revelation, Falwell managed to destroy
Tinky's life. Poor
Tinky couldn't even retaliate by counter-outing him since Falwell had destroyed all evidence of their relationship, although there are rumors of a sizzling hot home sex movie floating around on the
internet that they made together which showcases
Tinky's "other enormous talent" as well as Falwell's unholy ability to
accommodate Tinky's aforementioned talent. (And you thought Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson had it going on...)
In recent years,
Tinky's drinking and drug acquaintances say he often ranted about "that fat bastard who ruined my life" and had vowed to get revenge on Falwell no matter what. It is being reported now that he had been sited wandering the streets of
Lynchburg not far from Liberty University for the past several weeks, muttering to himself and cursing at stop signs.
So my theory is that
Tinky stalked Jerry for a few days, learning his routine and then broke into his office and butt fucked Jerry Falwell all the way to hell. Go ahead... bring
Tinky Winky in for questioning... see if he has an alibi. Check Falwell's body both outside and in any...uh...orifices for a
slimy, salty, purple liquid of some type.
Tinky did it -
and I am glad. Falwell was a tremendous dick of a human being with no compassion for (and no understanding of) people "not like him".
I'm glad the
douchebag is gone and I'm not ashamed to say it. One more nail in the coffin of the nightmare known as "The Reagan Era"
So thanks
Tinky, wherever you are!
You did good little purple dude!
I am surrounded by assholes everywhere. Even if you don't think you are one chances are that you probably are... just take a good look at all of the people you know - coworkers, loved ones, customers, total strangers, your parents, your children, your neighbors, your parole officer , your life mate, your paperboy, your grocer, people you in meet bars and at concerts, bums, crazy people, people attending funerals, people attending weddings, people attending a babies birth, people attending an execution and so on and so on. Face it - you are surrounded by shit-spewing tight asses who think their feces has the magnificent odor of a royal garden. Hell...even most of my friends are assholes (sorry guys but the truth hurts).
BUT I KNOW IT AND I try to balance it out (even if just a little) by holding elevator doors for people and giving a homeless person a little money, or comfort someone who is feeling down or going though rough times. Hell, I even like baking cakes and treats for people I barely know to celebrate their birthdays or anniversaries or just to make them smile. I even buy flowers for co-workers once in a while. And rarely ever push old people down the stairs for my daily amusement (although it is always good for a laugh). But still, for the most part, I am an asshole. Like the times I am at the grocery store and some lazy bitch in front of me has an uncontrollable mutant epileptic pig tailed obnoxiously cute and pushy brat who will NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP about the candy the fat little piggie wants and how hot that little closeted gay boy on Teen People is while his/her/it's mom continues yacking away obliviously on her crappy cell phone( "Can you hear me now? How about if I YELL REAL LOUD HERE IN THE GROCERY AISLE?NOW CAN YOU HEAR ME?") about some meaningless and trivial matter that I shouldn't fucking have to listen to. I have been known on such occasions to berate (quite loudly) the parent as they try to continue their yacking on the phone - and if that fails I start in on the kid(s). Alec Baldwin has NOTHING on me when I get pissed! Sooner or later though I am bound to get arrested but I have no tolerance for bad parents or rude children so what choice do I have? All you folks spending all your time in public with that piece of plastic in your ear having what should be PRIVATE conversations need to know one thing:
