Are You Still Here?

Why are you still here? Didn't you read the description up there? What are you a glutton for punishment? Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Some kids you should be watching? Some belly button lint that needs picking? Ear wax? Excessive flatulence that you really should be discussing with your doctor before you lose the few remaining friends you have resulting in you having nothing better to do than sit here reading (and re-reading and commenting on) this garbage and ultimately becoming so delusional that you think we are "friends" and you start stalking me and I have to get a restraining order against you? Eventually you will leave me with no choice but to get radical plastic surgery, change my name and move to New Zealand to get away from you. Is that really how you want things to be? Trust me...the best thing you can do is turn off your computer, sit quietly in a comfortable chair in a dark room (maybe with some nice relaxing music - NO HEAVY METAL/INDUSTRIAL/TECHNO/ETC! It's not good for this stuation). Now breathe deep a few times and when you are ready go and test the waters of that strange and foriegn thing known as REALITY! go on outside and look around (Hide behind large objects like a tree or a car or Rush Limbaugh if you are feeling afraid of this brave new world which you have just entered) . I know it seems scarey out there but you'll be ok. It could be worse...you could still be here reading this after all.

You're still here. aren't you?

Oh jeez...you are hopeless...now I guess I have to try to think of clever things to keep you happy and entertained and off the street where you would undoubtedly be committing a series of ever escalating petty crimes which would culminate with a bizarre crime involving a penguin, 2 midgets (one of whom is albino), a banana, some Silly Putty, a hang glider and a decidely bad-humored metermaid who would end up being considerably more psychologically scarred by the incident than she should be due to a horribly similar experience that she had been repressing since childhood. Well...there's nothing I can do to help her with that but AS FOR YOU - since you are still sitting here reading this you are obviously a danger to both yourself and society so you are hereby ORDERED AND COMMANDED to never leave this computer screen and must avoid all other human contact from this point forward (except, of course, to open the door for the pizza or chinese delivery guy. And remember to tip them well - you are about to become very dependent on them for nourishment since your every waking moment will now be dedicated to ingesting and processing the smorgasbord of profound revelations that I feed you but unfortunately that won't nourish your physical needs so GET UP AND ANSWER THE DOORBELL DUMBASS - THE GUY HAS RUNG IT LIKE 3 TIMES NOW! Just don't tell him about this BLOG and if he asks just tell him you are downloading the senior citizen porn classic OLD AND BOLD...he won't ask any more questions, I promise you).

Now then...you will read and understand (first learn to read and buy a dictionary if needed ) each and every word that I write here. Furthermore you will not question nor argue with anything I say or believe and instead will agree and accept that I know better than you and thus you WILL follow, obey and serve me blindly and without hesitation until such time as you reach some sort of higher enlightment (for which I will naturally and rightfully take full credit for) or become so mentally unstable that people like Angelina Jolie, Dennis Rodman, and Whitney Houston won't even talk to you and you end up in a mental hospital (for which I will naturally deny any responsibility for or involvement with since you are obviously quite insane if you are still reading my BLOG).

Whatever the outcome, you will be much happier in the end...I promise...

Let it be so...